


Unspoke Love

by harunotenshi



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: AU, Angst, Long Shot, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 05:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10587051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harunotenshi/pseuds/harunotenshi
Summary: Best friends aren't supposed to have any secrets from each other. Yunho and Jaejoong have been best friends ever since they first met in middle school. But Jaejoong is keeping something from Yunho.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i've loved reading ever since i was young... and being exposed to the world of fan fiction had just made me love it even more. this is my first work, after reading my first TVXQ fics "Yoochun's Ghosts" and "Sun Shower" which made me shed buckets of tears.
> 
> P.S.  
> i originally post on LJ and i also have my dreamwidth (http://harunotenshi.dreamwidth.org/--> feel free to follow me) and i'm slowly moving my completed work here. ^^
> 
> i know there's a download option here, but please don't download my work. thank you~^^

**YUNHO**  
  
I sighed as I looked at myself in the mirror of the dance studio.  
  
“Great rehearsal everyone!” Yeu Rim called out, smiling. “Same time again next week!” she said.  
  
As the others turned towards the double doors heading for the shower rooms, I lingered until there were only a few of us left. I smiled as I waved goodbye to my fellow dancers and to Yeu Rim, our leader as they headed out. I grabbed a towel from my gym bag and wiped the sweat off of my face and arms. I looked around. I was the only one left. I decided to stay for another hour. After a deep breath, I headed to the sound system and played one of the CD mixes and walked back to the center of the room. I could already feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins as I began to dance.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**JAEJOONG** **  
  
** My hands stroked the keys effortlessly as I played one of my own compositions. I closed my eyes and savored the melody of each of the notes as I neared the end of the song. When I was finished, I was not surprised that to see someone leaning against the entrance. It could only be one person.  
  
“Eavesdropping again, I see.” I said, turning to him and giving him a smile.  
  
“Not really.” Yunho said returning my smile. “I stayed a bit after rehearsal. I was about to go home when I heard someone playing. I was curious so I came to look.” He continued, shrugging.  
  
“Competition that hard, huh?” I asked as I started to gather up my things.  
  
“Nah, I just like to dance too much.” Yunho joked. “Besides, we already got the routine down. Yeu Rim was pretty much satisfied with today’s rehearsals, so I think we have a fighting chance.” He said still smiling.  
  
I nodded as I put my music sheets in my bag, closed it and slung it on my shoulder. Seeing him smiling like that made me think of my current situation. I hissed silently as I debated on whether I should just tell him what’s going on. I was still undecided when pain shot through my chest and sent shudders up and down my spine. Luckily, my back was to him. I stole a quick glance at him and thought I saw something glimmer in his eyes for the tiniest second. Realization maybe? Maybe he did notice something after all. I pushed the thought away. When I blinked he looked like he didn’t seem to notice anything. I hurriedly wiped the cold sweat on my forehead and arranged a smile before I turned to face him.  
  
“Ready to go?” I asked.  
  
“Yeah, let’s go home Jaejoong.” Yunho smiled.  
  
That was the last time I saw him.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**JAE EUL (Jaejoong’s sister)** **  
  
** “Have you told him yet?” I asked, giving him a fresh glass of orange juice.  
  
“No, I haven’t yet Jae Eul.” Jaejoong replied and then paused. “I don’t think I can.” He added.  
  
“He’s the closest thing you have for a brother Jaejoong. Telling him is the least you can do. It’s what I would do if our positions were reversed.” I said, looking at him sadly.  
  
“I don’t want to see his hurt face.” Jaejoong said. “I don’t want him to be hurt because of me.”  
  
Jaejoong stood up and went inside his room. _So much for persuading him._ I thought. _He always takes on everything by himself like it’s his mission in life._ I fumed as I brought the glasses to the sink to wash. _If he’s not going to tell him, I will._ I decided.

  
***  


**YUNHO**  
  
_There’s something going on here that I’m not in on._ _He’s hiding something from me._ Yunho thought. He was walking down the street towards his house, his forehead creased with worry. Jaejoong thought he didn’t notice, but he saw how his body curved slightly inward as his face paled and sweat beaded his brow. Jaejoong was hiding his pain so that he wouldn’t notice. _He likes to think that I’m a stone wall who will remain oblivious to anything and everything around him._ Yunho laughed bitterly. He closed the gate and opened the front door of his home as he rearranged his facial expression.  
  
“I’m home.” He said as he removed his shoes.  
  
“Hyung, you’re back late again.” Changmin said as he looked up from the book he’s reading.  
  
“You dance too much Yunho.” Junsu piped in, not looking away from his video game.  
  
“What’s for dinner?” Yunho asked, ignoring Junsu’s comment and walking towards the table.  
  
“Ramen” Yoochun said coming from the kitchen. “We already ate.”  
  
“But we left you your portion on the stove.” Changmin added.  
  
“Thanks. I’ll eat it in my room.” Yunho said as he took a bowl and poured the pot’s contents into eat, taking a spoon and a pair of chopsticks into his room.  
  
His dinner long finished, lay forgotten on the small table that was in his room. Yunho stared out his window up at the moon, which was full and bright. He can’t seem to get to sleep tonight as well. He’s been having a hard time getting to sleep for the past couple of weeks. And his feeling of uneasiness grows with every nightmare he has. He walked back to his bed and sat down.  
  
“I’m going to make him tell me what’s going on tomorrow.” Yunho decided as he lied down, pulled the covers to his chin and closed his eyes.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**JAEJOONG  
  
** I was wondering why I can’t sleep tonight as I looked at the moon from my closed window. I sighed. _I really have to tell him what’s going on. Knowing Yunho, he won’t stay quiet about this._ I thought. I went out of my room to find Jae Eul. As I was walking towards her room, I felt that same spasm of pain in the middle of my chest. The pain left me gasping for air as I tried to steady myself. It felt like my chest was being forcefully torn out from my body. My vision began to dim and flicker as I went down on my knees my right hand sliding on the wall, my left clutching at my chest. I faintly saw Jae Eul come out of her room. I saw her eyes widen with shock and her mouth form an ‘O’ as she gasped and rushed to my side.  
  
“Yunho…” I managed to choke out. Then everything went black.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**YUNHO  
  
** I woke up gasping for air, with cold sweat trickling down my face. That dream had been so vivid. So real. I tried to breathe deeply, steadying my breath as I slowly regained control of myself. I looked at the clock. 11:45PM. I tried to remember the dream.  
  
_Jaejoong playing the piano with his eyes closed, his fingers dancing on the keys as I watched him.  
  
Jaejoong sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching me dance.  
  
Jaejoong’s face paling as he tried to hide in a grimace whatever pain he’s feeling.  
  
Jaejoong from that afternoon, hunching his shoulders ever so slightly as shudders racked his body, sweat breaking out on his forehead.  
  
Jaejoong’s smiling face as he looked at me and bade me farewell saying that he’ll see me tomorrow.  
  
Jaejoong, all dressed in white, a smile on his face but with a tinge of sadness in his eyes, walking away from me.  
  
_ No matter how much I yelled, Jaejoong didn’t hear me. No matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t catch up to him. He just walked away. I woke up after that with my heart thundering in my chest and blood pulsing in my ears.  
  
“Something’s wrong.” I said quietly to myself.  
  
As I was reaching for my cell phone, it vibrated signaling that an incoming call. I pushed a button and put the phone to my ear.  
  
“Jae Eul?” I asked bewildered on why she’s calling but also anxious at the same time.  
  
“Yunho-oppa. Jaejoong…” Jae Eul said, her voice breaking on Jaejoong’s name.  
  
I shot out of bed and dressed in whatever clothes I found. I couldn’t speak. I tried to concentrate on not forgetting to breathe. I slipped on my sneakers and was out the door when I found my voice again.  
  
“Where?” was all I managed to say.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**JAE EUL** **  
  
** I pushed a button on my cell phone to end the call. I made my way back into the hospital and rode the elevator up to the seventh floor. I walked towards Jaejoong’s room and silently opened his door. I saw that he was still sleeping, his chest rising up and down with his steady breathing. I sat on the small couch in the room and leaned her head against the wall.  
  
The doctors had already explained his condition earlier after he was stabilized.  
  
“Jae Eul, your brother is stabilized now. But we don’t know if he’s going to survive if he gets another attack.” Dr. Lee had explained, looking at me with a sad expression. “He needs a new heart. His won’t be able to work for much longer if his attacks get more frequent.” He added and looked at my brother’s sleeping face.  
  
The doctor had excused himself and left me to look after Jaejoong. Our parents had already died five years ago because of a car accident. That left me and Jaejoong pretty much alone, since our relatives didn’t care that much. I had gone down and out of the building to make a call to Yunho, informing him of what had happened. I couldn’t keep my voice even as I tried to explain what had happened and gave Jaejoong’s room number to him. I heard his gasp and the noise as he rushed from his home to go here.  
  
I took a deep breath as I stood up and took a seat beside Jaejoong. I gently moved his hair away from his face and looked at his sleeping figure. I’ve not been exactly ignorant of my surroundings. Ever since our parents died, I tried hard to be supportive to my older brother. He had slipped into such a depression that I was almost at a loss on what to do. At the time, he was just a sophomore in middle school and I was just a freshman. That was when Yunho-oppa came into our lives. Or more appropriately, into his life.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**YUNHO** **  
  
** I could only hear blood pounding loudly in my ears as I rushed out of my house and ran towards my destination. I willed my legs to go faster, so that I can see him. See if he’s really okay like Jae Eul said he was. I thought about her sudden phone call.  
  
“Jae Eul?” I asked bewildered on why she’s calling but also anxious at the same time.  
  
“Yunho-oppa. Jaejoong…” Jae Eul said, her voice breaking on Jaejoong’s name.  
  
“Why? What happened Jae Eul?” I gasped. “Is Jaejoong alright?” I asked, trying to keep my voice level.  
  
“He had an attack…” Jae Eul choked out. She paused for a few seconds before she continued. “He’s in the hospital right now.”  
  
“He’s okay.” She managed to add, but I was already out the door.  
  
“I’m on my way.” I said as she gave me Jaejoong’s room number. I thanked her and hung up and sped down the street.  
  
I came into the hospital lobby gasping as I put my hands on my knees so that I could steady my breathing. After a minute I nearly ran again towards the elevators and impatiently waited for the metal doors to open for me. When it did, I got in and pushed the number 7 button and then the close button. Luckily I was alone. I fidgeted as the elevator took its time getting to the seventh floor. When it did, I didn’t wait for the doors to slide completely open and half-ran to the hall where a metal plate with room numbers was tacked on the wall. I quickly found what I was looking for and turned left towards the row of rooms. I stopped in front of the room 7025. I knocked softly and opened the door carefully.  
  
There he was, looking like he was just sleeping but he had an IV plugged into his arm and there were wires coming out of his hospital gown plugged into a machine that monitors his heart. Jae Eul turned to look at me, her face mirroring what mine looked like. Sad. Worried. Anxious.  
  
“How is he?” I asked quietly. “What did the doctor say?” as Jae Eul stood up and motioned for me to take her place beside Jaejooong’s bed.  
  
“Dr. Lee said he’s stable for now.” Jae Eul said in a clipped tone. “But his heart won’t be able to take it anymore if he has another attack.” She said, looking at Jaejoong.  
  
“He chose to keep this from me.” I said. It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. A fact.  
  
Jae Eul nodded. “He made me promise not to tell anyone anything, most especially you. He didn’t want to hurt you and he didn’t want himself to be pitied by anyone, most of all, you.” She answered. “At least that’s what I think. He won’t tell me his reason for keeping his condition a secret from you.” She sighed.  
  
“I tried countless times to convince him to at least tell you and only you, but he wouldn’t budge.” She said, walking to the door. “I’m gonna go get something to eat. Can I get you anything?” she asked, I shook my head.  
  
I turned my attention to Jaejoong’s sleeping face as I heard the door softly close behind me. I sighed. I held his hand in mine and lightly squeezed it.  
  
“No secrets, remember?” I whispered.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**JAEJOONG  
  
** As I drifted back into consciousness I began to wonder where I was. Then I heard a steady beeping sound and felt the hushed voices from somewhere outside. I was in the hospital. I kept my eyes shut but I was aware that someone had taken a firm hold of my hand. My heart jumped to my throat when I heard him.  
  
“No secrets, remember?” Yunho whispered. He squeezed my hand gently.  
  
“Now you know.” I murmured back opening my eyes, returning the gesture. I looked at my best friend. “Don’t be like that.” I said. I didn’t what him to look like that. I waited for him to speak, but he didn’t.  
  
“I didn’t want to tell you because of that.” I said, looking at him. “Your face is a mirror of what I feel inside.” I added when he looked confused. “I think I’d be under constant stress if you’d known and you’d always have that look plastered on your face.” I said lightly, trying to make a joke of it.  
  
“You thought I wouldn’t notice anything.” Yunho finally murmured, looking away. “I knew. Something was wrong. I waited for you to tell me.” He said.  
  
“Yunho. I’m sick.” I said, as he looked at me. I held his gaze. “My heart is getting weaker. I don’t know when and I don’t want to think about it. I need a new heart.” I added as I sat up.  
  
“You make it sound like your condition isn’t serious.” Yunho scolded scowling at me.  
  
“Don’t worry about me.” I started when his hands placed themselves on my cheeks.  
  
“How could I not?” he sighed.  
  
I held his right hand with my left. It was still on my cheek. I’ve been aware that my relationship with Yunho was not merely of best friend to best friend. Nor is it a relationship of brothers. No. It was something more. We didn’t need to acknowledge the feelings we have for each other, I thought as I gazed into his eyes, sick with worry and sadness. It was already there, as plain as day. I noticed it. He noticed it. It became a kind of silent agreement on our part. Even Jae Eul seemed to notice our relationship and she kept silent as well. Yunho kept his hand on mine as he sat on my bed so that we were beside each other. He put his arm around me.  
  
“Not helping.” I chuckled as I leaned against his chest.  
  
“What?” He asked, looking down on me his brows knitting together.  
  
“I don’t want to see you looking like that.” I said, snuggling closer. “I get stressed over you stressing over me and that’s not good for my health.” I smiled he laughed. It was humorless, forced. We stayed like that for a few long minutes before I heard him speak again.  
  
“Sleep.” He said, rubbing my shoulder. “I’ll be here when you wake up.” He promised, knowing what I was about to say.  
  
I snuggled closer as I was allowed, what with all the wires that were connected to my chest and the IV line on my arm. Yunho was already on the bed itself, he had kicked off his shoes when I was speaking. I breathed in and let the air out in a gush. Yunho leaned in and kissed the top of my head as I closed my eyes.  
  
  
***  
  
  
**YUNHO  
  
** Jaejoong never woke up.  
  
I struggled to remember where I was. I felt so detached from everything else. I wanted to cry out, to scream, to break something. Anything but to feel this numbness. I felt empty. I felt heavy. I glanced around. I saw him, his face drawn, like a mask. But his eyes, they were different. They were burning. Burning with a sadness and longing that I couldn’t even fathom. A burning man. I stared at that man for what seemed to me a long time until I felt a gentle tap on my arm. I looked to see Jae Eul staring at me, her face tear-stained.  
  
“Yunho-oppa, it’s time.” Jae Eul murmured.  
  
I looked back again to the man with the burning eyes. With a jolt of shock, I saw Jae Eul with that man. _Who was this guy?_ I wondered. _And why is Jae Eul with him? Why is she looking at him like that?_ I asked myself, for the man’s expression remained as stony as ever, except for his eyes. It wasn’t until I saw Jae Eul take his hand and tried, with effort, to lead him away that I finally realized that _I_ am that burning man.  
  
The ceremony was over in what seemed like minutes to me. Jae Eul and Jaejoong didn’t have any other relatives besides the ones who were too far away and busy to come to pay their respects. There were only a few people present at his ceremony. I couldn’t remember who had come and who had not. I was only aware of Jae Eul, silently crying beside me and the jar of his ashes that stood on a podium surrounded by flowers. I wasn’t paying much attention to my surroundings, let alone to those who had shaken my hand or patted my shoulder and offered their condolences. I still felt numb but I knew where I was. Now, I sat on the couch at Jaejoong’s home. I held his jar of ashes tightly, as I stared, seeing nothing.  
  
“Yunho-oppa” Jae Eul called gently. I didn’t respond so she touched my arm. I looked at her. Her eyes were red from all the crying but she seemed to have enough control to stop her tears at least. “Jaejoong wanted me to give this to you. After – ” she managed to say before her voice broke over the last word. She couldn’t say it.  
  
I remained silent as I looked from her face to the object that she was holding. I recognized it at once. Jaejoong’s music sheets. I took them from her wordlessly, concentrating on keeping my hand steady. I looked at it for a long time but I couldn’t muster up the courage to open it. I stood up, his jar of ashes cradled on one hand and his music sheets held in another. I turned and walked towards the door. I looked at her, pleading, not knowing if my face looked like it was pleading. She nodded as if she understood.  
  
I was there. Our place. A place where we could spend time alone, just the two of us. I placed his jar gently on the cold cement ground as I sat down myself. Jaejoong’s music sheets were still in my hand, still unopened. I took a deep breath and slowly let it out. And then another. I looked at the thin notebook where Jaejoong kept his compositions. My hand was shaking when I opened it to a page but I paid no attention to it. A picture had caught my attention as it slid out of the notebook. I took it and flipped it over.  
  
I blinked. I saw myself, alone in the dance studio except for Jaejoong who was seated on the floor leaning against the wall opposite the mirrors. I was frozen in mid-dance, my body bent at an angle and my face glistening with sweat and screwed up in concentration. Jaejoong, in the picture, had his camera in his hand with a smile on his face as he took my picture. A flood of memories forced its way into my mind as I closed my eyes fighting the tears that threaten to come out.  
  
  
_~~~  
  
  
“Yo” I said as I sat down.  
  
Jaejoong ignored me and for a while, he just continued to stare out the window. It wasn’t until I was waving my hand in front of his face that he was forced to look at the owner of that hand. Me.  
  
“Yo.” I smiled. “Jaejoong, right?” I asked still smiling.  
  
Jaejoong just looked at me.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Jaejoong was leaning on the railings of the roof when I opened the door. He didn’t turn around to see who had come up.  
  
“Is this where you hang out?” I asked as Jaejoong whirled around in surprise at the sound of my voice.  
  
Jaejoong glared at me, but didn’t answer my question.  
  
“I suppose that’s a ‘yes’ seeing that you’re not leaving.” I said, coming to a stop a few feet from Jaejoong’s right, my hands in my pockets. “Still ignoring me, huh?” I asked.  
  
A long silence followed.  
  
“You don’t want to let anyone in.” I said after a while, looking at the sky. “You’re afraid of losing someone again or of being hurt again.” I said, as I leaned my back on the railings, my eyes on him.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“Here.” I said, taking his hand and placing my handkerchief in it.  
  
Jaejoong looked at his hand to see what I had given him. Silently, he used it to wipe away his tears, but it seemed that his wouldn’t stop flowing. He was suddenly racked with silent sobs. He concentrated on not making a single sound and let his tears flow freely. My handkerchief was still clutched in his hand, he didn’t use it to wipe his tears anymore.  
  
I placed one hand gently on his back. The other took his wrist and led him away from the railings to sit on the ground by the wall. Blinded by his tears, Jaejoong sat down and pulled his legs to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and buried his face. My hand was still gently stroking his back. Jaejoong took his time until he thought his tears had run out and his breathing was steady again. He looked at the sky. It was sunset and it was getting darker by the minute. He ought to go home but he didn’t want to move.  
  
“Thank you.” Jaejoong managed to say after deciding that he can speak without his voice breaking.  
  
“No problem.” I said, shrugging. “I can understand, to some extent, what you’re feeling right now.” I added.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“Had?” Jaejoong asked, curious but guessing what might be my answer.  
  
“My mom died two years after.” I answered, sighing. “It didn’t make things any easier for me, but I dealt with it.” I paused for a while.  
  
“You’re not alone.” I murmured as all kinds of emotions flickered in his eyes. Shock. Sadness. Longing. Relief.  
  
“Thanks.” Jaejoong managed a small smile and then looked down. “I’m sorry.” He whispered.  
  
“For what?” I asked.  
  
“For keeping me company.” Jaejoong said.”For being patient.”  
  
“Am I right in assuming that you lost your parents?” I asked. Jaejoong just nodded solemnly, unable to answer.  
  
“So we’re both orphans then. Huh.” I chuckled. “Or do you have other relatives?” I asked.  
  
“A younger sister. Just the two of us.” Jaejoong answered. “Just me and Jae Eul.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“Your eyes betray your emotions, you know.” I said as a matter of fact. “No matter how smooth and emotionless your face is.”  
  
“My eyes?” Jaejoong said. “I didn’t know that. I always thought that I’ve mastered the art of having a poker face. I guess I was mistaken then.” He chuckled softly.  
  
“I kinda have a knack for reading people’s emotions through their eyes.” I joked. “It’s my gift, so to speak.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Jaejoong’s hands stroked the keys effortlessly as he played one of his own compositions. I closed my eyes and listened to the melody of each of the notes. When he was finished, he looked at me and was not surprised to see me leaning against the entrance.  
  
“Eavesdropping again, I see.” Jaejoong said, turning to him and giving him a smile.  
  
“Not really.” I said returning his smile. “I stayed a bit after rehearsal. I was about to go home when I heard someone playing. I was curious so I came to look.” I continued, shrugging.  
  
“Competition that hard, huh?” He asked as he started to gather up his things.  
  
“Nah, I just like to dance too much.” I joked. “Besides, we already got the routine down. Yeu Rim was pretty much satisfied with today’s rehearsals, so I think we have a fighting chance.” I said still smiling.  
  
  
_ ~~~  
  
  
_Jaejoong playing the piano with his eyes closed, his fingers dancing on the keys as I watched him.  
  
Jaejoong sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching me dance.  
  
Jaejoong’s face paling as he tried to hide in a grimace whatever pain he’s feeling.  
  
Jaejoong from that afternoon, hunching his shoulders ever so slightly as shudders racked his body, sweat breaking out on his forehead.  
  
Jaejoong’s smiling face as he looked at me and bade me farewell saying that he’ll see me tomorrow.  
  
Jaejoong, all dressed in white, a smile on his face but with a tinge of sadness in his eyes, walking away from me. No matter how much I yelled, Jaejoong didn’t hear me. He just walked away. I woke up after that with my heart thundering in my chest and blood pulsing in my ears.  
  
“Something’s wrong.” I said quietly to myself.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“No secrets, remember?” I whispered. I squeezed his hand gently.  
  
“Now you know.” Jaejoong murmured back opening his eyes and returning the gesture. He looked at me, his best friend. “Don’t be like that.” He said. He waited for me to speak, but I didn’t.  
  
“I didn’t want to tell you because of that.” He said, looking at me. “Your face is a mirror of what I feel inside.” He added when I looked confused. “I think I’d be under constant stress if you’d known and you’d always have that look plastered on your face.” He said lightly, trying to make a joke of it.  
  
“You thought I wouldn’t notice anything.” I finally murmured, looking away. “I knew. Something was wrong. I waited for you to tell me.” I said.  
  
“Yunho. I’m sick.” Jaejoong said, as I looked at him. He held my gaze. “My heart is getting weaker. I don’t know when and I don’t want to think about it. I need a new heart.” He added simply as he sat up.  
  
“You make it sound like your condition isn’t serious.” I scolded scowling at him.  
  
“Don’t worry about me.” He started when I placed my hands on my cheeks.  
  
“How could I not?” I sighed.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
I kept my hand on his as I sat on his bed so that we were beside each other. I put my arm around him.  
  
“Not helping.” Jaejoong chuckled as he leaned against my chest.  
  
“What?” I asked, looking down on him my brows knitting together.  
  
“I don’t want to see you looking like that.” He said, snuggling closer. “I get stressed over you stressing over me and that’s not good for my health.” He smiled as I laughed. It was humorless, forced. We stayed like that for a few long minutes before I spoke again.  
  
“Sleep.” I said, rubbing his shoulder. “I’ll be here when you wake up.” I promised, knowing what he was about to say.  
  
Jaejoong snuggled closer to me as was allowed, what with all the wired that were connected to his chest and the IV line on his arm. I was already on the bed itself, I had kicked off my shoes when he was talking. He breathed in and let the air out in a gush. I leaned in and kissed the top of his head as he closed my eyes.  
  
  
_ ***  
  
  
**YUNHO  
  
** I woke up with a start. I was disoriented for a few seconds as all the memories came rushing back and I remembered where I was. I ran my hand through my hair and then put it over my eyes. I felt something wet. I looked at my hand and saw that it was glistening with my tears. I had not realized that I had fallen asleep, buried in my memories of Jaejoong. I was crying in my sleep. Jaejoong’s music sheets lay on the ground beside me, still open to the page where the photograph had fallen out. I looked at it and recognized his handwriting at once. I stared at it, not really seeing it as I turn page after page after page. It was until I saw my own name that I blinked to focus my eyes. I picked up the notebook and held it in front of me. A letter. Jaejoong had written me a letter knowing what probably would’ve happened. I started to read.  
  
  
_Yunho,  
  
I’m sure that my notebook is with you right now, since you’re reading my letter. You must’ve already seen the photograph... I have a feeling that you’re where I think you are… I must have… moved on…  
  
I remember you sticking your nose in my business that first time we met. I was never the sociable one so I was shocked that you had more nerve than other people. I never said it out loud, but you were right, you know? When you told me that I was afraid of losing anyone and being hurt again… You hit the mark. I always thought that no one would ever be able to really understand what I felt. But you did. I have you to thank for bringing me out of my darkness, Yunho. Thank you. So much.  
  
You held my hand and never let it go. I was able to go back to how I was before my parents passed away. I was able to enjoy everything. I began my music again. I was never alone again.  
  
When I found out about my condition, strangely I was calm at first. ‘Maybe this is the price of all my happiness…’ I thought. But then I was afraid. Afraid of what your take on this will be. Of what your face will look like once you found out. I made Jae Eul promise not to tell you anything, although she relentlessly tried to persuade me to tell you, I still didn’t want to.  
  
As the attacks got more frequent, my resolve was getting weaker. Jae Eul nearly convinced me to tell you then. But I still didn’t want to. I was just too stubborn for my own good.  
  
I took your picture that one time when I was watching you dance. You’re a very good dancer, you know. Your moves are sharp and fluid. And it shows how much you love dancing. I took that photograph without your knowledge, I know. I had had an attack then, I was very careful not to show you. I just had a feeling that that would be my last time to see you dance.  
  
I had another attack when I was in the music room, gathering up my things. You weren’t there at the time but I was beginning to think that you were already noticing that something was wrong with me. I wanted to tell you then, but I didn’t. I hated keeping any secrets from you but I had to. I was protecting you as much as I was protecting myself. Because you are my best friend. You are my brother. But I thought of you more than that.  
  
I think both of us understood the extent of our relationship. You and I were past mere friendship and beyond being brothers. I couldn’t be happier. We didn’t need to voice it out or announce it for the whole world to see. Other people may be oblivious, but I could see that you thought of me as the one for you as I thought the same about you. That much was as clear as the moon on a cloudless night.  
  
Even if I am gone from this world, I will always be beside you, watching over you. You will be sad and you will be in pain. You will cry because of that pain. But you are strong and you will overcome this until a day comes when you will be able to smile again. Because I will be there with you. You will never be alone, Yunho.  
  
I know that you will never forget me and I will not forget you. You are the only one for me. You are my heart and I am yours.  
  
I love you, My Yunho,  
  
Jaejoong_


End file.
